Pondering my writing…

Why have I chosen to write now that I have been medically retired…. I have always loved to write. I would write page after page to my friends whom I saw in class and talked to on the phone and yet I would always still have so much to say. When I was young, I think 11 years old, I got my wisdom teeth out and it was painful to talk but I went to my music lessons anyway and I remember my instructor celebrated the fact that I was so quiet!! I guess that says a lot about my talking.  Apparently, it was an issue in school because I actually remember that on our report cards in middle school there was a comment section and comment #8 was “talks excessively”.  Hmmmm, guess I saw that on my report cards often huh?  So when I found myself medically retired from the job I had worked so very hard to get because I wanted it and loved it but now was out of it, I thought why not use my knowledge and combine it with my love of writing and communication.

The question is what should I write about? I could easily go the direction of gruesome murder mysteries (I say easy as in the subject for me, not that writing a book is easy) but I wonder if I really want to look into the abyss to write a really good murder. I hesitate to go to the place that has damaged my soul.

Then I think about the people I have met on the job.  I could write about working side by side with interesting agencies – including riding in the engine of a train to see the view the engineer has and learn about the science of how long it takes to stop a train and why it is impossible to stop by the time they see someone on the tracks!

I think about all the homeless I met. For the most part my interactions with the homeless were quite cordial.  They knew I was not interested in what drugs they might have or such, but that I needed their help when one of them had died or been killed.  They seem to appreciate being told that I could use their help and I would sit and talk with them and more often than not they had information that was helpful.  They would tell me the stories they knew of the decedent and it would help me find family – as in next of kin – for the decedent.  Many times, they told me some of their own stories too. Heartbreaking stories.  I have thought about writing their stories if they would let me because most of them have lived interesting lives and their journey to the streets is fascinating and heartbreaking at the same time. The problem there is most of them do not want to be found or have their stories told. They just want to be left alone, and I respect their desire to be so.

I love animals and love the CARL books. Check them out if you have never seen them. They are about a Rottweiler named Carl who is left to babysit an infant and does a good job. It’s mostly pictures but adorable nonetheless. I have emotional support dogs.  They are very important to my mental health and comfort me, calm me and even wake me if they hear me breathing odd (sleep apnea) or in distress (from a nightmare).  My girl Tessa spoons me. I sometimes consider writing children’s books about animals who help people. Guide dogs, support dogs, diabetic alert dogs, and even family dogs who protect the home and family. Would certainly be subject close to my heart!

I could write about grief.  I certainly have many experiences to take from.  I have notified family after family of their loved one’s death.  I have lost both of my parents. My mother very unexpectedly and my father to suicide – and I was the one who found him. I have had friends murdered and I have investigated murders. I even use to work for a guy who ended up committing 2 murders before taking his own life. I watched my grandfather die a slow painful death from cancer. He was on hospice and my mom brought him home to my childhood home to die surrounded by family instead of in a hospital. I was barely a teenager. One of my friends who was murdered was killed by a serial killer.

Sometimes I wonder why I have always had death in my life. As a very young child I remember my cat being hit by a car and my mother put her on a pillow when she then placed on my lap and I comforted my cat while she died. As an only child, my pets were always more than pets. They were my companions and my siblings that I wanted but was not meant to have. One of my daughters is much like me in this way. She has always been attached to every animal she has had. Even when she tried to keep insects and such.  Her sister not so much, until the last couple years when she was here with when my husband and I brought home a rescue from the shelter who was only 3 months old and scared. He snuggled right up and won her heart.

Recently, on a trip out of state, I was able to take many photos of the scenery.  I took some great pics if I say so myself.  I now consider maybe posting a pic and writing about it – what I see or feel or wonder about it.

Some have told me I should write about my nightmares. First of all, they never sound like nightmares when I talk about them but to me, when I am IN them, it is awful.  I do not have “boogyman” type nightmares.  I dream that I am at my old job as a secretary working for an impossible boss again and I am just having the worst day, over and over. My time there was so miserable it really caused problems in my life.  I was so stressed there that when I went to the coroner’s office and worked in death and grief every day I actually stopped needing sleep aids and cut my heart medication in half within the first 6 months.  You would think it would have been the opposite. Some people have no people skills and that boss was/is one of them. I also dream I can’t find a clean bathroom.  Why is this such a common dream? Maybe I should research THAT. So weird!!

So many things to ponder… but for now I should get some sleep. Many things to get done in the morning!

For now I leave you with this….. the story of me now!



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