Depression can be such a downer…

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Yep, this is me. Especially lately.  I had a difficult time dealing with the loss of several friends last year and it has started to freak me out. How much time does any of us have.  Now my faith would tell me that it is out of my control, and I know that is true; but my experiences keep telling me to stop wasting time.  Some days I get stuck in a funk that just freezes me up. I have so many things I NEED to do and so many more that I WANT to do that I do nothing. Nothing. Just maybe stare at the tv barely listening or write some notes to myself about what I should be doing. I need to list my parents plots, as in unused graves, and I have been writing “list plots” on my to do list every day for a couple years now.  I will say it is not a simple task, such as listing a bike on craigs list, it is more like selling property. Still, why haven’t I done it? My parents later chose to be cremated and I have their cremains. They are in these beautiful blocks of granite with the tops polished and engraved and sit in my back yard. YES, I said my backyard, in a memorial garden that I made for them and my husband made me a beautiful bench. Oh but I digress… and babble.  Maybe because I should be asleep but I am not. I have been plagued by nightmares lately. Not what most people think when they hear “nightmare” as in scary monster… my nightmares are more about my real fears or about things that upset me.  This past week I have “dreamed” (and I used that word lightly) that I have been fighting with my parents.  Fighting about if I can take the car, fighting about where I am going… just fighting about all kinds of stuff and I don’t know why.  It has happened before and it is very upsetting to me.  For a long time after my parents died they appear in my dreams. It is usually in ways where they are there and just hanging out but they don’t go anywhere or do anything because even in the dream I know I they are dead. It is usually a peaceful and comforting thing to have them their. I get their advice and tell them things and it is ok. I am guessing the stress I have felt lately has been messing with my normal dream/nightmares. We found a house, agreed to the sellers price, did hoards of paperwork, then the appraisal came back at less than the sellers asking price, so then he thought about it for days and came back and said ok, but then after we signed the docs he changed his mind so we said we can’t pay the asking price if we have to make up the difference out of pocket instead of it being part of the loan and we said no. So of course their was more paperwork and much disappointment.  We know the right dream ranch is out there for us and we have to be patient and stick to our faith and not push it and make a deal that we will regret.   So I think it all finally caught up to me because last weekend I took a 17 hour “nap”, and I have been feeling like I am getting sick but not actually being sick and then I have slept a lot again – yesterday even though I slept in until noon I still couldn’t keep my eyes open and was back in bed at 7pm. I ended back up at 3 something. Not because I was no longer sleepy but the dogs were both in bed with us and they are bed hogs!! I just could not get comfortable and decided to get in my recliner and open my laptop…. and here we are!  Now that the hubby and dogs are awake I shall go round up something for breakfast and then decide if I shall try to sleep some more or stay up!!  Sorry for the rambling – if you think this is crazy to read you should try being in my head.  It is like a convention in there of thoughts all trying to form and have their say at once!!

 

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