Dreams and crazy crap in my head….

Well I have finally found a quiet moment to try and get some work done on my website and blogs… of course it is at the cost of sleep but thanks to pain radiating down my legs I wasn’t going to get any sleep right now anyway.  Not to mention the wacko dreams I have been having lately. Let me back up.  I have been plagued by nightmares all of my life and even if I have a “good” dream, it is very weird.  When I say nightmare, they aren’t the boogie man kind, they are the sh*t happens in life kind of nightmares. You know… in public with no pants on, forgot everything I studied, get lost somewhere, break something important to me, and of course my favorite reoccurring theme is I can’t find a clean bathroom.  Apparently all toilets in my subconscious are over-flowing, dirty, etc. It does not help that in real life I have had a couple of bad “port-a-potty” experiences, one that included a wild buffalo on Catalina Island and another in which the lock did not engage and some guy opened the door, which faced the HS football stands! “HELLO”.   I certainly could use some of my dream world for characters in my writing but of course although the “feelings” I feel during the dream stay with me all day but the actual scenes, plots and characters come and go in flashes. I can sort of remember a little flash but can’t put it into words.  I could so much better when I was younger but not so much now. There are other reoccurring things as well.  There is a house that I dream about that has many secret doors and rooms and it is in the middle of the forest and we (my hubby and I) are trying to restore it. I am sure there is some kind of message from my subconscious in there but I haven’t figured it out. And it seems every time the house appears in a dream there is a new room, or piece of furniture.  As a kid I would try and protect myself and my punches would move in slow mo and not hurt anyone so I would try to think of a weapon or super-power at night as I fell asleep.  It worked! My brain began to make me able to take care of myself and others. I usually could fly in my dreams up until about 5 years ago… then I started running. I can’t remember how many times I am running down a freeway barefoot in a dream now. Or scaling a dirt wall and climbing around railroad tracks. Always barefoot, and always “on foot” and I do not get that part. One nice thing about my dream time is people who have died are there a lot.  My parents and my beloved god-mother. The 3 of them all died difficult deaths including a surprise fatal heart attack, a long suffering of emphysema and the 3rd of suicide, of which I found him. They are always at peace and on the sidelines giving me advice or encouraging me in my dreams.

Where are the nightmares you ask? It is so hard to explain.  The toilet thing is self-explanatory but it is so much more about the feelings I am experiencing than what is actually happening. The frustration of being on foot almost all the time, or the other night trying to drive a big rig for some reason and I couldn’t reach the pedals well and I kept making u-turns. Sometimes they are very clear. Many years ago when I worked in a retail store I had an employee who had gone on a senior trip after graduation and drank a bit too much. A classmate took advantage of her inebriation and raped her. She was devastated and traumatized and the mother in me was pissed, even though she was not my child, I felt responsible in some ways for all of my employees, and was fond of her in that maternal way.  Soon after I dreamed myself and my employees were all swimming in a lake near a dock. The (faceless) guy who raped her came walking down the dock and said he was coming back for more.  Somehow I was able to pull him into the water and with a crow bar hack his head off.  I let his body sink, then held up the head and set it on the dock and told her (my employee) that she did not have to worry about him anymore, I had taken care of it. It was so clear at the time, and I woke up feeling angry and amped with adrenaline at the same time. When I have an intense dream like that, the feelings stay with me. My husband has often said he does not like me getting mad at him for things that happen in my dreams!!

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I sleepwalk too – once in a while now, but more often when I was younger.  I once woke up to find a new package of red vines opened and half gone and yelled at my kids for it – they now laugh about how they kept asking each other if the other one did it… but then I brushed my teeth and found remnants of the red vines – oops sorry about that.  Another time my husband woke me while I was standing at my dresser with some knick-knack in my hand trying to sell it as a shoe to the dog, who was sitting patiently and staring at me. My favorite is when I took my girls to visit my mother, who still lived in my childhood home.  We all went to see the brand new (first) Jurassic Park movie – tells you how long ago it was – and I was sleeping in what was my childhood bedroom. I was dreaming the T-rex from the movie was coming through the town getting closer and closer so I was watching out the window for it.  I suddenly woke up and found myself UPSTAIRS actually looking out the window. Scary that I could get up, go down the hall, turn into the living room, turn again to go up the stairs, turn down the hall and into the guest room. All the while asleep! Which is why my parents did not let me have an upstairs room as a child!

Well I supposed I should try and get a little sleep before I have to leave for a 10am appointment!! (it’s after 4am now.)

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Welcome!

Welcome to me and to whomever is reading this.  There is a little bit about me in the “about” section but to sum it up I worked years in the field of death investigation. First as an autopsy technician and then as a sworn investigator in the field. I have to admit the job did a number on me. It wasn’t really until they medically retired me (back issues) that I was able to step back and realize how deep into the abyss I was. I have a website now where I am putting my experience to use in an educational and factual format for the curious and the writers who want to use real life instead of TV to base their crime scenes on. I have a blog attached to it that tells more about the damage of the job and I would like to make this more about the recovery and my dogs.  Why can’t I just write everything in the same place you ask? Good question!  I am not sure myself.  I am a complicated person.  I have a hard time focusing because my mind is always trying to do several things at once.  Even when I sleep. I have the weirdest dreams and nightmares and some days it is hard to convince myself that something that happened in the dream was not real. My husband is quite tired of getting a dirty look upon waking because I dreamed he flirted with a pretty woman LOL. That man deserves a medal for putting up with me! I am the first to admit it. I have a hard time doing one thing at a time. For instance, I often am reading more than one book, I usually have the tv on when I am cruising social media or reading. I have been this way for as long as I can remember, for example in jr high, I would come home from school and do my homework with the tv AND my stereo on! I couldn’t concentrate if it was too silent. I can’t sleep if it is silent either. I always have a fan on. Even in the middle of winter (I just point it up and away) I need the sound. I often sleep with my iPod on with either an audiobook (Starla Huchton’s “The Dreamer’s Thread” is my favorite) or some type of nature sounds. I had to remove the sound of a crackling fire from my nature sound playlist because I kept dreaming the house was on fire – because THAT is how my mind works!

I hope to keep this blog on the lighter side with funny memes, many photos of my adorable fur pack and updates on my gardening. If you want the darker side, check out my link in the about me section!

Until next time!

Karen