August 3, 2020 0100 hours
Random notes…. I was remembering when I started my job at the coroner’s office and Grey’s Anatomy started about a year later. I watched it from the beginning and really related to what it was like to be new and lost! We moved to a new house a month before I started the coroner job and for quite a while I didn’t know where anything was at work or at home! This came to mind because of a post I saw on IG. I really liked my job at the coroner’s. I can’t express how fascinating working autopsies was. Of course, the cases were sad but when I could keep a mental distance then I was just so fascinated by the human body. I have always been fascinated by how thing work and the human body is definitely the most fascinating thing of all!!!
August 3, 2020 2130 hours
Tomorrow is chemo #11 of 12 scheduled treatments in my oncologist plan to get me rid of this cancer. Stage 4 cancer. Sometimes I get up and I think I am going to do all of these things and get all kinds of stuff done and then I am like a vehicle out of fuel… and my daughter will remind me that I am fighting stage 4 cancer and getting chemo. You would think how could I forget but I guess in a way for a moment I do.
There are times however that I cannot forget about the cancer though… and my mind goes overboard with so many things that I feel like my mind will explode. I start thinking about all the things I have around my home that if I were to die right now, my kids would have to help my husband sort through all these things. My clothes, my shoes, and the normal stuff but also my office. In my office I have so many books, and notebooks of random notes, and craft stuff and my parents photo albums and our family photo albums, and just all kinds of stuff. I need to keep purging stuff. I had to go through all of my mom’s stuff. My dad couldn’t handle her unexpected death and kept pushing every time (every other week) when hubby and I would come out to check on him. He wanted me to go through this or that and pack up my mom’s stuff. I still have boxes I haven’t gone through. I did my best to take care of my dad. He made it very difficult. He was so upset about my mom dying before him that he barely made an effort to live. We gave him everything he needed to live comfortably but he didn’t care. I am surprised he lived almost 9 years after my mom died. Then he killed himself. Shot himself in the head. I found him. I have to admit that really messed me up. Especially with the fact that I worked as a death investigator at the time. I had to investigate quite a few suicides right after his. Most of those were also older men who for some reason or another had given up and shot themselves. It was like déjà vu over and over again. Which sounds very redundant. What it was… was traumatic.
Sometimes I feel like my life does flash in front of me. I think about all the people in my life, or that are no longer in my life and have I said what I should, what I want to say, or asked the questions I want answers to.
What if my cancer is all gone, and stays all gone for at least 5 years? That would be great. Maybe I will get even more years… but the former death investigator in me knows that doesn’t mean I won’t die within the next couple years from something else. HERE is where I do an attitude check because I need to live like every day is my last but every day is a gift to be enjoyed. I want to keep being able to tell people how important they are to me and spend time with them. I want to enjoy retirement with my husband. We worked so hard to get to this point. This is our 40th year together. We have been parents since we were teenagers in high school and then we worked and worked until finally retirement and our move here to our dream house in the inland northwest wonderland as some call it. It’s OUR time now. Time to explore and enjoy this beautiful place. Time to relax and sit on our porch with a cold/hot drink and listen to the birds sing and the squirrels chatter. Snuggle up in bed because it is 25 degrees outside in the winter. Bundle up for the cool fall weather, and hold hands while we go for a stroll. Have a family dinner with the kids and tell stories and laugh together! Look for the northern lights together on a dark night. Take a walk along the shore of the lake. Kayak. Go boating. Go fishing…. These things are on my list of what I hope to do – along with many more – when I am done with chemo – after I get my immune system back up to normal and I strengthen up my muscles some. For now it is time to get some sleep before I go get pumped full of poison again to kill the bad stuff inside my body.