When I think about leaving our current house and moving I have several things that I hope for and dream of having… I want to live where I can sit outside and instead of hearing cars or the neighbors, I want to hear the wind blowing through the trees; I want to hear birds and other resident creatures scattering about – doing what they do, making the sounds they make… such as squirrels chattering, and birds calling to each other. I want my dogs to have lots of room to run and run, where I can throw their Frisbee and not have to worry that it will go over the fence. I want them to be safe and happy.
I want a house that is comfortable and welcoming. A place with room for friends and family to gather and visit. A house that feels like home when we return from somewhere. I want to sit on the porch with the love of my life and breath the fresh air with scent of our trees and enjoy the rest of our lives together. We have talked and dreamed of growing old together since we were young teenagers in love and we are now, we are retired and definitely getting old, but we would love to find a small peaceful and beautiful place to finish growing old together.
I have always had nightmares and I have written about them before but I am really having a hard time understanding why I have been having the dreams I have been. My stress dreams have changed. It used to be that I was lost, running barefoot, riding a bike on the freeway or running on the freeway, in a public place with half my clothes missing, searching for a restroom and only finding messy, dirty, clogged overflowing bathrooms… but now I keep yelling at my parents (who are both gone), and I am yelling at them for dumb reasons. Last night I dreamed my mother came to pick me up at the morgue after work and I was driving and backed into a brick fence because my leg wasn’t working right and I couldn’t hold the break while backing up. I realized I needed to go talk to the residents and make it right and somehow it just happened to be my cousin’s neighbor, so I went around the block and talked to the residents and that went okay, but then I was at my cousin’s yelling at them, and then home yelling at my folks that I had to get laundry done and why did they put clothes in the washer with mine.
Since my parents have been gone they are in my dreams a lot and it is usually fine but lately all of my dreams seem so angry and frustrating. I wonder if it is because we thought we found a place in Idaho and now we are in limbo again, and all the things we are trying to do here. Oddly enough, my dreams are never here. They are almost always at the house of my childhood. I have no idea why. Maybe because those were my formative years or the only house I remember living in with my parents. I was too young to remember our first house and when I moved out of my childhood home, I have always lived with my husband and kids. It bothers me so much when I wake up feeling angry at my parents. Is my subconscious trying to tell me something? Have I not really dealt with losing them? My husband doesn’t understand why I chose to “remember” my dreams but what he doesn’t understand is when I wake up, I always feel what I was feeling in the dream – be it anger, fright, happiness, etc.
Yep, this is me. Especially lately. I had a difficult time dealing with the loss of several friends last year and it has started to freak me out. How much time does any of us have. Now my faith would tell me that it is out of my control, and I know that is true; but my experiences keep telling me to stop wasting time. Some days I get stuck in a funk that just freezes me up. I have so many things I NEED to do and so many more that I WANT to do that I do nothing. Nothing. Just maybe stare at the tv barely listening or write some notes to myself about what I should be doing. I need to list my parents plots, as in unused graves, and I have been writing “list plots” on my to do list every day for a couple years now. I will say it is not a simple task, such as listing a bike on craigs list, it is more like selling property. Still, why haven’t I done it? My parents later chose to be cremated and I have their cremains. They are in these beautiful blocks of granite with the tops polished and engraved and sit in my back yard. YES, I said my backyard, in a memorial garden that I made for them and my husband made me a beautiful bench. Oh but I digress… and babble. Maybe because I should be asleep but I am not. I have been plagued by nightmares lately. Not what most people think when they hear “nightmare” as in scary monster… my nightmares are more about my real fears or about things that upset me. This past week I have “dreamed” (and I used that word lightly) that I have been fighting with my parents. Fighting about if I can take the car, fighting about where I am going… just fighting about all kinds of stuff and I don’t know why. It has happened before and it is very upsetting to me. For a long time after my parents died they appear in my dreams. It is usually in ways where they are there and just hanging out but they don’t go anywhere or do anything because even in the dream I know I they are dead. It is usually a peaceful and comforting thing to have them their. I get their advice and tell them things and it is ok. I am guessing the stress I have felt lately has been messing with my normal dream/nightmares. We found a house, agreed to the sellers price, did hoards of paperwork, then the appraisal came back at less than the sellers asking price, so then he thought about it for days and came back and said ok, but then after we signed the docs he changed his mind so we said we can’t pay the asking price if we have to make up the difference out of pocket instead of it being part of the loan and we said no. So of course their was more paperwork and much disappointment. We know the right dream ranch is out there for us and we have to be patient and stick to our faith and not push it and make a deal that we will regret. So I think it all finally caught up to me because last weekend I took a 17 hour “nap”, and I have been feeling like I am getting sick but not actually being sick and then I have slept a lot again – yesterday even though I slept in until noon I still couldn’t keep my eyes open and was back in bed at 7pm. I ended back up at 3 something. Not because I was no longer sleepy but the dogs were both in bed with us and they are bed hogs!! I just could not get comfortable and decided to get in my recliner and open my laptop…. and here we are! Now that the hubby and dogs are awake I shall go round up something for breakfast and then decide if I shall try to sleep some more or stay up!! Sorry for the rambling – if you think this is crazy to read you should try being in my head. It is like a convention in there of thoughts all trying to form and have their say at once!!
Last week I had to say goodbye to a childhood friend. I had known her since we were 5 years old and in kindergarten. Over the years we would lose touch, then find each other again – several times, and then the accident happened. She was under the influence. We were in our mid-twenties and just figuring our lives out. It was so hard to see her like that. In a coma, hooked up to the machines. Eventually she woke up, but her life was never the same. She spent the next 25 years in a wheelchair with extreme atrophy problems on her right side from her brain injury. She could remember things we did in grade school, but not recent events. Over the years her body wore down, her muscles atrophied more and her organs struggled. She was put on hospice and we knew it was only a matter of time. Last week I had to say goodbye to my friend, and I am sad.
My view from my hotel room desk as I work…. Because in “The Artist’s Way” by Julia Cameron she says you need to feed your artist and “artist dates” are a great way to do it. I highly recommend this book to any artist of any medium.
So….. I realize have been away from my website and blog for quite a while – we have been renovating and getting ready to sell… The stress has been over the top!! When my husband asked what I wanted for Mother’s Day – which later became my birthday gift – I said I want to go on a mini artist retreat. My bestie, (who draws and paints), and I have come to the beach. Well actually a marina with a tiny stretch of beach. We have rooms with water view balconies so we can work with the sound and smell of the water close by, and have walked around the marina a bit. Later I hope to work on one of the benches at the water but for now it is easier here at the desk in the room. This reminds me of when we had our boat, and I know that is what I wrote about last time so I won’t dwell on that…. But it does!
Oh and about the bestie, I have asked her to create a piece for my artist retreat I will have when we move. I want it all about creativity! I am also working on buying a commission piece from artist Jen Ramos http://www.MadeByGirl.com who is just a sweet lady I follow on instagram.
For a long time, I have wanted to be able to write near the water. There is something so soothing to me about water. I have spent many a time READING by the water but never writing – so now I am – I am doing it. It may not sound like a big deal, but it is another step in mentally overcoming my physical disability. I worked very hard to get into forensics. I spent many years studying not to prepare but because I was so interested in it and had NO idea I could ever actually get into the field as an actual employee! Then to have my dream job be what messed up my back and having to medically retire I was so sad. My body couldn’t take it anymore but my mind was ok. I felt like I had been shorted. Several friends told me I should write horror books because after all I had plenty of experience and knowledge about death and a sense of humor that makes people wonder if Stephen King and I are related or something. You know, that dark and twisty part of my brain. The question being was that always there or did the job put it there. I have always been quirky but I have never, nor will I ever abuse an animal. I probably stole a few cats bringing them home as “strays” I found in the neighborhood. So, I don’t think I have the mind of a sociopath but I think I could fake it on paper if needed. I am just not ready to look into that dark corner. I have many ideas about what I might write after we move and get settled. But more on that later…. The fresh sea air has my mind swirling with so many ideas right now!
I miss the beach. the feel of sand between my toes, the warmth of the sand, the warmth of the sun, the sound of the waves, the smell of the water, the sound of seagulls, searching for shells that I can use in crafts or display with my lighthouses, the way peanut butter and jelly sandwiches taste so much better after playing in the waves and soaking up some sun…
I miss having picnics at the lake, watching the kids play while the guys fish, taking off my shoes, rolling up my jeans and sitting in my folding chair at the edge of the water squishing the wet soil between my toes, the smell of hot dogs and hamburgers on the grill, having to patch up the kids after at least one, if not all, fall down running and skin their knees and the palms of their little hands, their excitement when one of the guys catches a fish! The fellowship and conversation and we enjoy the scenery, the serenity and the friendship.
I miss going to the park to do my homework or read a book. Sitting on the grass, under a tree. The breeze through my hair. The sounds of the birds in the trees. Taking a moment to make a daisy chain from the tiny little flowers and putting it around my neck or in my hair. Pretending I was sitting under a tree in a huge yard of a plantation or ranch style home in the country, far away from the city.
I enjoy sitting outside in the backyard, with the breeze blowing my hair and creating musical sounds with the wind-chimes. It feels good to laugh as I watch the puppies chase each other, and even better when they chase butterflies. Their curiosity as the watch the birds fly overhead, and the way they tilt their heads to the side when the wild parrots fly over squawking to each other.
I miss the feel of being on a waterski, jumping the wake and the spray of the water on my face. The thrill of the challenge of not falling as I cut back and forth through the wake of the boat. I do NOT miss camping on the beach, sleeping on a folding lounger and waking to see the shade tarp covered in bugs. I do not miss hiking to a port-o-potty up on a random hill and blazing hot inside.
I still remember when I was swimming and my cousins poured their cereal out into the water and I did not know it was in my hair and I was leaving a trail as I swam along which I very large fish was following me eating the cereal! I remember clearly how it felt to turn around and see the fish almost face to face with me and how I could not run out of the water fast enough!!!